What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two banjoists playing in unison.
What's the definition of perfect pitch?'
Throwing a banjo into a dumpster without hitting the rim.
What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw it in and four to complain that its electric.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six: One to change it and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the light.
If you throw a banjoist and a violinist off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
The violinist. The banjoist would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
How can you tell if the stage isn’t level?
The banjo player drools out of the side of his mouth.
How can you tell if the stage is level?
The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.
ENTRY EXAM FOR THE Classical Bluegrass Orchestra--BANJO PLAYERS
The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.
1. Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Paganni's Caprices
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
d) Scrugg's Foggy Mountain Breakdown
2. Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five.
3. Explain the word counterpoint or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
4. Which of the following would your tuck under you chin?
a) a double bass
b) a piano
c) a cello
d) a banjo
5. Can you explain “sonata form?” (Answer yes or no.)
6. Earl Scruggs wrote a lot of Banjo tunes, for which instrument?
7. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
8. Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) President Obama
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn
9. Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) 99 Bottles of Beer-- anon.
If you successfully answered all ten questions then congratulations, you can join.
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead banjo player in the middle of the road?
The skunk was on its way to a gig.
How many banjo players does it take to eat rabbit?
Two, one to eat it & one to watch for cars.
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names
What’s the best thing to play on a banjo?
Solitaire.
What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A Banjo player.
How can you tell if there’s a banjo player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don’t know when to come in.
What is the banjo pickers favourite whine?
Play Duelling Banjos.
Why are all banjo jokes so darned simple?
That’s so bass players can understand them too.
How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?
How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don’t have to be very good to get people's attention.
Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
They make great anchors!
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, I’m doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy.
When do banjo songs sound the best?
When they’re over.
Conductor: Can you read music?
Banjo player: Not enough to hurt my playing.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve banjo players here? Sure do, replied the bartender. Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a banjo picker for my gator.
Why are there no banjo players in any sci-fi films?
They’re set in the future.
Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home, promised to spend some quality time with each one. He asked his first arrival of the day, Hi! What’s your IQ? 150, he said. Great, said Peter, as he showed the man in, we should get together tomorrow and discuss the Theory of Relativity for a while. He asked the next person, What’s your IQ? 120, she said. Fine, fine, said Peter, Id love to take some time with you Wednesday to discuss current world politics. To the third person, he asked, What’s your IQ? 42, drawled the fellow. Fantastic! cried Peter, I’ve been looking for years for somebody who could help me perform a banjo duet!
The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a period of time which was spent discussing their different professions, Saint Peter showed up to usher them to their new Heavenly homes. After passing out the wings, harps, and halos and such, Saint Peter decides to show them to their new lodgings. After only a brief flight from the gate, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge estate with servants and all sorts of luxurious trappings. This, Saint Peter announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity. Fantastic the Pope says to Himself, "If he gets a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my place!" They take flight once again, and as Saint Peter leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more plain until finally they land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Saint Peter indicates to the Pope that the third walkup on the left is his new home and turns to leave, wishing the Pontiff his best. The Pope was quite upset, and asked Saint Peter, "Why do I get such mundane lodgings when I saw you give that banjo player a beautiful estate. Saint Peter looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: Now look here, this street is completely filled with spiritual leaders from all over the world, and we thought it to be a good idea to have you all together to work out your differences. As for the banjo player, we gave him that estate because he's the only damn banjo player to ever make it this far.
An old man was on his death bed and called for his whole family together so that he could bid them fond farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to, and he knew that he was coming very close to death he called for all of his family to gather together. I have one thing I would like to confess before I go, he said. They all drew closer. It was me, cough, cough, wheeze, I was the one, he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, I was the one, cough, cough, wheeze, I was the one in the kitchen with Dinah.
Banjo players spend half their lives tuning and the other half playing out of tune.
Banjo players are a lot like sharks they think they have to keep playing or they’ll sink.
Banjos are to music as Spam is to food
A man went to a Brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: How much for fiddle player brain?
2 dollars an ounce.
How much for mandolin player brain?
3 dollars an ounce.
How much for guitar player brain?
4 dollars an ounce.
How much for banjo player brain?
100 dollars an ounce.
Why is banjo player brain so much more?
Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to banjo players for our experiments? Really? the other replied, Why did you switch? Well, for several reasons. we found that banjo players are far more plentiful; the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them; the Animal Rights Activists leave us alone; and there are some things even a rat won't do... However, sometimes it is very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.
If you practice, tune, make a sound check, & sit down to play it is called Folk music otherwise it’s called Bluegrass.
After you’ve played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play; however, your neighbours will pay you to stop.
Why do they bury banjo players 20 feet deep?
Because they really are good people deep down.
Frets are like speed bumps on a banjo.
What’s the difference between a banjo player & a locksmith?
A locksmith gets paid to change keys.
Why do banjo players prefer picking rather than strumming?
It's easier to transfer a skill than learn a new one.
A few years ago a lost group of banjo players were discovered on a remote island in the Pacific. When asked how they survived for so long, they answered, from the supplies dropped by the helicopters.
How do you make a banjo player slow down?
Put some sheet music in front of him.
How do you make him stop?
Put notes on it!
What instrument do banjo players play best?
What’s the difference between a banjo player and a savings bond?
A savings bond eventually matures. or there's interest in a savings bond.
A banjo player is sort of like an appendix: They can both be a big pain sometimes; you don't miss them when they’re gone; and no one has figured out what good they are.
Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
It Took him three hours to get the banjo player out.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.
What is the difference between grapes and a banjo?
You take off your shoes to stomp on grapes.
What is the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?
The grip.
What do banjo players use for birth control?
Their personality.
How is lightning like a banjo players fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
There’s nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless it’s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner
Banjo picker wanted: music experience not required.
Mark Twains definition of a gentleman: a man that can play the banjo and doesn't.
Upon hearing from his doctor that he only had six months to live, a man exclaimed, But doctor, is there anything I can do? I'm afraid not. said the doctor. But, there is one thing you could try...What, what, Ill try anything... Find yourself a mean girl that plays the banjo and move to Pittsburgh. Will that help me live longer? No, but it will make time go by really slowly...
Saint Peter is interviewing newly arrived musicians at the Pearly Gates. He asked the first musician, So, what did you do? I was first violin with the London Philharmonic, stated the first musician. Fine, you may enter, said Saint Peter. He then asked the second guy, What did you do? I was a school band leader, said the second guy. Great, you may also enter, replied Saint Peter. Finally, Saint Peter asked the third guy, So, what did you do with your life? Well, replied the third guy, I really wasn't a great musician. I played casual banjo in a bluegrass band. We mostly played for Barbecues, Barmitzas, and the like... Oh, replied Saint Peter, Oh, all right, but go around the back,
What’s the difference between a banjo and an accordion? The
accordion takes longer to burn...
Why was the banjo player staring at the Orange Juice?
Because the label said, Concentrate.
Why was the banjo player standing on the roof?
Because they told him the drinks were on the house.
A Rabbi and a banjo player are traveling through the country with their friend from India when their car gets stuck in a ditch. Stranded, they walk to the nearest farmhouse and knock on the door. A farmer and his beautiful daughter answer the door. The farmer says he’ll be glad to put em up for the night and they can go for help in the morning. However, there is only room for two in the house, one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Rabbi volunteers and goes off to the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock at the door, its the Rabbi, I cannot sleep with pig, its sacrilege. Then the Hindu volunteers to sleep with the pig and goes off to the barn. A few minutes later, there is another knock on the door, I cannot sleep with cow, sacrilege. So, now the banjo player takes his banjo and goes off to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It’s the cow and the pig!
Banjos are to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
If your car is sliding out of control, and you have the choice of running over a banjo player or an accordion player, which one should you choose? Either one. You can always get the other on the second pass
How can a banjo player make money?
Hang out your Pay or I Play! Sign.
A Russian, a Cuban, and two Americans, (a guitar player and a banjo player) were sharing a compartment on a train. The Russian in an attempt to impress the other passengers says, In Russia we have so much vodka that we can afford to throw it away. He then throws a bottle of fine Russian vodka out the window. In a spirit of one-up man ship, the Cuban replies, In Cuba, we have so many fine cigars that we can simply throw them away. And the Cuban proceeds to throw a box of the finest Cuban cigars out the window. Not to be outdone, the guitar player says nothing, he just stands up and throws the banjo player out of the window...
Why don’t banjo pickers like to go to the beach?
Because cats keep trying to bury them.
What do banjo players and bottles of beer have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.
A bluegrass band is on their way back from a gig South of the border when they get arrested for playing a banjo after dark. The judge quickly sentences them to death. At dawn the next morning the band finds themselves looking at the business end of a firing squad. Ready, Aim,... Earthquake! yells the guitar player which distracts the guards long enough so he can jump over the wall to freedom. Ready, Aim,... Flood! yells the mandolin player who jumps over the wall to freedom. Now the banjo player is starting to catch on. Ready, Aim,... Fire! yells the banjo player as loud as he can...
Banjo Tuning is an oxymoron...
How is banjo playing like a courtroom trial?
Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed!
Why was the banjo player walking his kid to school everyday?
Because they’re in the same grade.
How can you make a million bucks as a banjo player?
Start with two million!
A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” Says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” He replies, “But I’ll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” Says the owner. “No,” says the music lover, “I was wondering if you have a bronze banjo player.”
A beautiful maiden is talking a stroll around the castle when she hears, Hey! Down here! Looking around, she sees a small frog down by the moat and picks it up. I’m really a banjo player but an evil witch has put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. If you would kiss me I can return to my normal self and we can live happily ever after... The beautiful maiden smiles and puts the frog in her purse. Hey! Aren’t you going to kiss me? shouts the frog. No way! A talking frog is worth a lot more than a banjo player!
How do you define an optimist?
A banjo player with a pager!
Bumper Sticker: On the eighth day, God created Banjos!
A bluegrass band convicted of International terrorism and condemned to die in a small Third World country is given one last request. The banjo player, without thinking, shouts out, If I must die for my country, my last request is to play Duelling Banjos one last time! The mandolin player shouts, then my last request is that you kill me first...
Definition of mixed emotions: a banjo player riding over a cliff on your brand new Harley...
Do you know why the Post Office had to stop producing their new commemorative Banjo Player Stamps?
Because people didn’t know which side to spit on...
A drowning man sees an out-of-tune banjo player, an in-tune banjo player, and Santa Claus walking by on the shore, who should he yell to for help? The out of tune banjo player of course. The others are figments of his imagination...
Sign in store window: Banjo For Sale cheap, no strings attached...
What’s the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
Your wife gets upset when the neighbours borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.
Why is the banjo the most important instrument in a bluegrass band?
Every band needs someone to make fun of.
What’s the first thing you know?
That Jed’s a millionaire!
A banjo player was so poor he couldn’t afford lessons so his friends chipped in and got him banjo lessons for his birthday. They sent the greatest banjo teacher that every lived to his house. The teacher knocked on the door and the guy answered. I’m here to give you Super Playing Abilities! Said the banjo teach. I’ll take the soup, I haven’t had dinner yet...said the banjo player...(Soup or Playing abilities...)
A banjo player was sitting with a bunch of friends in a bar one night back there in the twenties, when someone came around taking up a collection to pay the funeral expenses of an impoverished accordionist. The banjo player didn’t happen to hear what the collection was about, and when the cigar box came around to him, he asked the man next to him what it was for. Oh, they want a dollar to bury a box-player, he was told. The banjo player dug a bill out of his pocket. Here’s two dollars, he said, bury two of them.
What has 16 legs & 3 teeth ?
The front row of a banjo workshop.
Why do banjo players like family reunions?
Its a great place to pick up girls...
A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key.
A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to whom is responsible for the odour.
And last but not least……….
A man drove to the shopping mall with his banjo in the back seat. He parked his car, nervously leaving the banjo in the back seat, locked up the vehicle and proceeded to go shopping. When he returned to his car an hour later, he saw from a distance that the back windows were smashed. As he ran to the car his worst fears were realized. There were now six more banjos in the back seat.
