Guitar Jokes

A man named Leonard dies and goes to heaven. St Peter standing at the gate, says “how did things go for you back on earth?” Len says, “not too bad. I left a wife, 3 kids, a pretty good bank balance, no mortgage and my wife will get another 100,000 from the insurance.” “Great”, says St Peter, “what was it you did while you were alive?” “I was in Real estate.” “'Good for you, come on in” says St. Peter. Jeb is next in line at the pearly gates and gets the same sort of welcome and questions. “Well I left a wife and two kids, a little house in the suburbs, a few dollars in the bank, the car is paid for and they should be OK with things.” “Well done, now come on in.”  Zak was next up and gets the questions from St. Peter. “Well you see, I left my 4th wife, most of my gear is in the Pawn shops, cars on bricks, and rooted, never had any kids that I remember, and I never did quite make it to where I really thought I should have been. “I see,” says St. Peter, “and what band did you play with?”


What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?

His amplifier.  


How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in his ear.


Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the bartender, who asks if he'd like a beer before he goes home. The player says “sure” and the barman plunks down a big stein glass of beer and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the guitarist all by himself for a while. From nowhere a little voice says “great gig man, you're one hot picker”. The guitarist looks at the bartender and says “thanks” and the bartender says “what for” and the guitarist says “for saying nice things about my work”. the bartender says  “I didn't say anything”. The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a little tired so he'd better head off when another little voice says “yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there”. The guitar player turns around and says “thanks” but there's nobody there. The bartender at the bar says “are you ok?” cause the guitarist looks a bit pale and the guitarist says “yeah, I think so”. Then, as he empties his glass another voice says “hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you” and the guitarist says “OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?” The bartender runs down and says “what's your problem man?' to which the guitarist replies “WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM?” “ARE YOU PLAYING ME?” “What voices?” “What are they saying?” when the guitarist tells the bartender what was going on and what was said, the bartender says “that'll be the peanuts man, they're complimentary!”


What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?

Who cares - neither one's a guitar


What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?

"Will the defendant please rise ..."


Late one day a local pub saw six guys walk in, obviously in pairs of two, sit down and order their favourite after work drinks. The first two to seat themselves and be served by the bartender were two gentlemen working at a major university whose I.Q.s were so high they could hardly be measured! They began discussing Quantum Mechanics. The bartender then went over to the next pair who were "regular guys" with ordinary jobs, with average I.Q.s, talking about how hard it was today to keep up with bill payments, how high taxes were, how corrupt politicians were and all their day-to-day struggles. The last two the bartender served were two obviously very badly educated, ill-mannered, homeless, lowlifes with very low I.Q.s that could barely be measured on any I.Q. test. As soon as they'd ordered the bartender overheard one say to the other, "Ohhh, heyyyyy, I meant to ask ya, d'you use flatwound or roundwound on your guitbox?"


A man gives his son an electric guitar for his 16th birthday, along with a coupon for four guitar lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." The following week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string and how to play power chords." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"


A guitarist wins 15 million at the Lottery. When a reporter asked “What are you going to do now?” He replied “I’ll carry on gigging until the money runs out.”


What's the difference between a guitar & a ukulele?

It only takes half as long to burn a ukulele.


A boy and his mother are walking down the street and the boy turns to his mother and says "when I grow up I want to be a guitarist" His mother replies "Now son, you can’t do both!"


What's the difference between a guitar player and a Duracell battery?

The Duracell battery has a good life.


It’s the hour before church, and the priest comes up to the guitar player and says “I’m glad to see you include the gospel precepts in your guitar playing.” The guitarist asks, “Do you mean ‘make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye peoples?” “No”, says the pastor. “Don’t let the left hand know what the right hand is doing.”


A guitarist is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie. “Thank you Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years” the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the man. “And because of your kindness” the genie continues, “I will grant you 3 wishes”. “But I must warn you” says the genie.“And what’s that?” asks the man. “Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every banjo player in the world will receive double” explains the genie. “Not a problem” says the man. “Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master”“$10 million in small bills” says the player unhesitatingly. “Good choice, Master” and right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every banjo player in the world now has $20 million in their account. “And your next wish, Master?” “I want Jimi Hendrix’s 1968 Stratocaster and presto, right there on the beach is the most beautiful guitar he’d ever seen. And of course every banjo player now has 2 of these guitar’s in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren’t going to know what to do with one, much less two. “You’ve made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?” The guitarist thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says, “You know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney and two pints of blood”……..


An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections.  At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.  "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.  The guide turned to him and said "No worry.  Drums OK, but very bad when they stop.  "They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do!  Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency.  "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.  "When drums stop………….. next come guitar solo!"


What does it say on a blues player's gravestone?

“I didn't wake up this morning"


A musician dies and goes to Heaven, where he is directed to the heavenly night club. He sees a wonderful room, a big stage, and an all-star group of musicians. Recognizing Jimi Hendrix, he walks over and asks "How's the gig here?" Jimi says, "Well, you can see that the layout and the equipment is fine, we get fed gourmet food, the best wines and a little money too.” "That sounds perfect," says the new guy. "There's just one thing," Jimi adds. "God's got this girlfriend who thinks she can sing...."


As a bagpiper, I have played many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Virginia back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I did finally arrive an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends; I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

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