What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?" Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Scherezade," your favourite piece, tomorrow night!" Abe says, "So what's the bad news?" Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What do a violin and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
A violinist goes to preschool one day. When he comes back, he says to his mother, "Mommy, guess what! We did the alphabet today! I read farther than anyone else." His mom said, "That's good honey! That's because you play the violin." The next day he goes back to school. Again, when he comes home he says, "Mommy, guess what! We did counting today and I could count farther than anyone else." Once again his mother says, "Well done, honey. That's because you play the violin." The next day brought the same routine. The violinist comes home and says, "Mommy, guess what! We measured our height today and I was much taller than anyone else!
Is that because I play the violin?" "No" his mother replies, "It's because you're 25!"
Did you hear about the violinist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why did Beethoven write ten violin sonatas?
Because he was deaf.
A violinist and a friend were sitting in a coffee shop drinking coffee and watching the news on the little TV in the corner. As they watched, the news anchor came on and said, "15 Brazilian soldiers were injured today..." The violinist looks at his friend and says, "Oh, that's so sad! How many is a Brazilian?"
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
A violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
What is the difference between a fiddler and a violinist?
A fiddler is employed.
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of cellists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one cellist every hour.
A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?" The father said, "Two people? Let me look." So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."
A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the cellists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the cellist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "Cello left hand, bow right."
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Why do cellists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair cellist. The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said. "No problem," replied the cellist. "There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold." "I know. It'll be all right." The cellist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the cellist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one. At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the cellist took his place at the back of the cello section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play. Or Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes! :)
Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
It is usually still in the case.
Why can't you hear a cello on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.
How's a violin like a vampire?
They both sleep in cases
How's a violin like a vampire?
They both leave marks on your neck
What do you call one pretty good violinist, one better-than-average violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who hates violinists who are all together in the same room?
A string quartet.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
The more I don't practice my violin, the more it sounds like a fiddle.
How do you get a cello to play in tune?
Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.
Once there was a cellist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie. "For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said. The cellist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now." The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal cellist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie. "You have two more wishes!" he said. I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!" Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the cellist awoke, he found he was now the principal cellist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the cellist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie. "This is your last wish." the genie said. "I want you to make me yet a better musician still!" Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a cellist?
Vibrato.
