Wind Instrument Jokes

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?

The exhaust.


Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer.   


What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.   


Why don't sax players like playing soprano sax?

No place to hide their candy.


What is the difference between Kenny G and a machine gun?

The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second.


Kenny G gets on an elevator and says "Wow! This rocks!"


Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?

Because he kept ignoring the key signature-- he thought it was a suggestion.


If lost in the woods, who do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?

The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.


What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?

1. Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.

2. You can tune a lawnmower.

3. The neighbours are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.

4. The grip.


What's the difference between the theories of the origin of life and a tenor sax?

The theories don't have as many leaks.


You may be a redneck saxophonist if...

...you have an old bari sax up on blocks in your front yard.

...you spell it "saxaphone."

...you think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a long neck during a gig.

...the gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buesher sopranos.

...you think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived.


What do a saxophone and a baseball  have in common?

People cheer when you hit them with a bat.


What are trumpets made out of?

Leftover saxaphone parts.


What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


What were the saxophone player's grades?

Below C level.


How do you define a perfect pitch?

Throwing an alto sax in a dumpster from 20 feet with out hitting the rim


Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?

He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atomic bomb.


The reason why so many weird noises comes out of the business end of saxophones is that Mr Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular belief the saxophones are percussion-instruments and meant to be beaten by hammers. Large hammers.


Which is the ideal place to practice on a tenor-saxophone?

A: In a music studio

B: Five fathoms under the surface of the Pacific Ocean.

C: In a deserted coal mine.

D: None of the above.

Correct answer: D: None of the above. A saxophone-player never, but never practises. The risk of learning to play is too great.


What is Black and Brown and looks good on a saxophonist?

A Doberman


What's the difference between a saxophonist and a lawnmower?

A lawnmower cuts grass; a sax player smokes it.


How many baritone sax players does it take to pop popcorn?

Two - one to hold the popper and one to shake the stove.


How are a saxophone player and a blind javelin thrower alike?

Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.


What's the difference between a tenor sax and a baritone sax?

The baritone holds bigger plants and more spit.


A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of alto sax players… They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one alto player every hour.


Two tenor sax players meet… "Hey man, long time no see! What's happening?" "Don't talk about it! I've had the worst time lately. You know I split up with my wife?" "No, man I never heard. Sorry." "And my house burned down with my saxophone in it?" "Wow, I didn't hear about that!" "And then I got these terrible cold sores." "Hey I'm really sorry, no one told me." "Then because of all my troubles and a horrible borrowed horn I played the worst gig of my life last Saturday night." "Yeah, I heard about that!"


What did the conductor say to the bari sax player?

"Can you play tenor? Ten or twelve miles away?"


What does "Da Capo" mean to a tenor sax player?

Go back to the beginning but play it right this time.


What is the first thing a professional saxophonist does when he wakes up in the morning?

Goes to his day job.


Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.


Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.


How do you tune a flute?

You mean you can tune those bad-boys?


Why do all the other wood-wind instrument players envy flutes?

Because they're the only winds eligible for the no-bell prize.


Did you hear about the flute player who was so out of tune that they noticed?

Me neither.


How do you make a flute player into a drummer?

Put another useless stick in their hand.


How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?

When the engines stop, the whining continues.


You know you've been playing flute too long when:

You tongue while whistling.

You hold pens upright on your knee.

You think of a tin whistle as an accessory.

You know all the differences between flutes and piccolos besides the size.

You can play four different B flats.

Your biggest accomplishment of the day is getting all the spit off the top of the inside of the head joint (who am I kidding? A real flute player never cleans the inside of their flute!).

You've had more than one flute.

You've had a piccolo stuck to your tongue more than once.


A flute player and a fiddle player were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the fiddle player, "I can't swim!" "Don't worry," said the flute player, "just fake it."


What key is the alto flute pitched in?

G, I really don't care either!


Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and that of a cat in heat?

Of course there is, but only if the cat's in good health.


How many clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.


What's the definition of a nerd?

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.


What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?

The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.


How do you put down a tenor saxophone?

Confuse it with a bass clarinet.


What's the purpose of the bell on a bass clarinet?

Storing the ashes from the rest of the instrument.


What's the difference between a clarinet solo and scraping your nails down the blackboard?

Vibrato.


How do you make a saxophone sound like a clarinet?

Miss a lot of notes...


How do you know when a clarinetist has died?

The concertmaster moves them back a chair...


How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid?

He doesn’t know how to work the slide and he can’t swing!




Winds